Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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