i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
