I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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