You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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