When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
