I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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