My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
