I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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