Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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