I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
