there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
