i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
