trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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