Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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