: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
