based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
