is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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