Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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