can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
