It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
