everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
