She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Alive.
So much puke
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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