if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
