Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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