70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
