dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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