CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
