I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
