I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
