That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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