Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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