i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
