I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
