I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
