I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
