apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
