if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
