It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
