literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am available for nakedness
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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