some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
