she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
