textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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