Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
should my penis look like a turkey
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
