I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
