so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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