I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
