mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
