apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
