People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
