Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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