im drinking this country out of the recession.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
