is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
