I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
