I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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